Perfectionism
What is perfectionism?
What does the “perfect” parent, student, athlete, or employee even look like? When did we, as a society, begin to prioritize and promote perfection over being human and learning from our mistakes?
The Merriam-Webster online dictionary (n.d.) defines “perfect” as: “being entirely without fault or defect: flawless”, while “perfectionism” is defined as: “a disposition to regard anything short of perfection as unacceptable”.
To be flawless… To be anything less than perfect is unacceptable…To be perfect… If these words are resonating with you or striking a chord, you’re not alone.
Who does this impact?
According to a 2020 study by Vitale & Company (2024), the majority of adults in the United States—92% in fact—consider themselves “perfectionists.” While perfectionism may have its upsides, such as showcasing one’s determination, drive, high aspirations, and elevated standards, the effects of perfectionism on one’s mental health are undeniable, and the need for internal balance is rising.
Another study reveals that the number of people who identify with perfectionism and perfectionistic tendencies has been steadily rising since the 1980s, with increases in rates of depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts (American Psychological Association, 2018). With technological advancements such as smartphones, social media, VR, and AI-generated content, one can assume that this upward trend is still a significant concern if not more of one than what it was when the study ended in 2016.
Whether the need for perfection comes from social media, family, friends, or colleagues, it can be challenging to pull yourself out of the perfectionistic spiral, especially when you’ve struggled with perfectionism for many years.
Below are three ways to begin to understand perfectionistic tendencies, especially if you feel that this rigid philosophy is affecting your mental health.
Ways to lessen perfectionism:
#1 - Mindful Separation
Awareness of our thoughts can be an excellent first step in recognizing when perfectionism is rearing its Hydra-like head. When we notice our thoughts, we can put a space between us and the thoughts that may be causing us stress, anxiety, or frustration. But how do we catch our thoughts?
One way is to do self-check-ins throughout the day. These can last a few seconds or minutes—whatever you have time for. Self-check-ins can look several ways and are unique to each person, but let’s start by asking yourself some questions.
Consistently checking in with yourself can be challenging to remember and keep up with. That’s where habit-stacking comes in. Habit-stacking is when we take an ingrained habit - such as washing our hands, brushing our teeth, or eating a meal - and “stack” another action on top to more easily remember to do the new action we want to make a habit. So, every time you wash your hands, you should remember to check in with yourself.
Another way to mindfully separate from troubling perfectionistic thoughts is to notice them and start to add space between yourself and those thoughts so that you are not overwhelmed by them.
Here’s an example:
Kara just finished a grueling test and received an 89%.
She thinks, “I didn’t get 100%...I basically failed…I am a failure…”
Because she’s been practicing catching her thoughts, she notices it soon after thinking it.
She says to herself, “Ah, I just had one of those thoughts!”
Separating from it further, she says, “I’m noticing that that was just a thought.”
Going even further, she says, “I’m noticing the fact that I’m noticing that that was a thought.”
Because Kara was able to take a few seconds to separate herself from the thought rooted in perfectionism, she saw that her thought was just that, not who she really was. With this new distance, Kara can now invite in self-compassion, which we will cover next.
#2 - Self-Compassion
This can be difficult for some people, but it’s not impossible. Showing kindness, respect, and understanding to yourself is at the core of what we call “self-compassion.”
Those who struggle with perfectionism may—and often do—have a harder time allowing themselves the compassion that they would freely give to another person.
One way to practice self-compassion is to reframe the negative thoughts you catch yourself having. An easy way to do this is to ask yourself, “What would I tell a friend in a similar situation? How would I support them?” or “What would a friend tell me?”
We go back to Kara:
After Kara creates some distance between her and the thought, “Maybe I am a failure,” she feels slightly calmer but still upset. Kara remembers that tip her therapist mentioned to her forever ago - something about “What would you say to a friend?” She takes a breath and says to herself, “I would tell my friend that she did the best she could and that 89% is well above passing still and something to be proud of. Just because you didn’t get 100% doesn’t mean you are a failure…” After saying this aloud to herself, Kara feels more relaxed and less anxious about her test score. Her self-image is returning to balance.
#3 - Being Okay with “Good Enough”
Being “good enough” became well-known in the field of attachment psychology when psychotherapist and pediatrician Donald Winnicott introduced the concept of the “Good Enough Mother” to explain that the “‘perfect’ parent” does not exist and would not be helpful even if this was possible (Leigh, 2016). To be good enough is to be adaptable, responsive, and flexible rather than rigid or perfect.
Ending with Kara:
Kara has taken some time to process her reaction to her test score and recognizes that her need for perfection can cause her a lot of stress and turmoil. Reflecting on the experience, and in the same vein of self-compassion, she tells herself that a number does not define her and that since she received an 89% score, she has areas she can focus on for improvement. She is not a failure; she is human.
Final thoughts
When we realize that to be perfect is impossible and accept that to be imperfect is to be human, we release the weights that hold us back from true growth.
Blog Sources:
American Psychological Association. (2018, January 2). Perfectionism among young people significantly increased since 1980s, study finds [Press release]. https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2018/01/perfectionism-young-people
Leigh, B. (2016, May 15). The ‘good enough’ parent. The center for perinatal psychology. https://www.centreforperinatalpsychology.com.au/good-enough-parent/#:~:text=Winnicott%2C%20a%20paediatrician%20and%20child,position%2C%20tolerating%20frustration%20and%20waiting%2C
Merriam-Webster. (n.d.). Perfect. In Merriam-Webster.com dictionary. Retrieved September 11, 2024, from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/perfect
Merriam-Webster. (n.d.). Perfectionism. In Merriam-Webster.com dictionary. Retrieved September 11, 2024, from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/perfectionism
Shulman, M. (2018). Perfectionism Among Young People Significantly Increased Since 1980s, Study Finds. American Psychological Association.
https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2018/01/perfectionism-young-people
Vitale & Company. (2024). Why research perfectionism in the workplace? Vitale & Company. https://vitaleandco.com/perfectionism-research/
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