Boundaries: What They Are and How to Make Them Work For You
Written by Michael Smock, LSW
When we hear the word “boundaries”, many things come to mind, some of which include: boundaries equal conflict, boundaries are negative, or boundaries are what we put in place for other people and expect them to follow based on our requests. First, let’s address these misconceptions one by one. Then we’ll take a look at the six types of boundaries and how you can implement them in your daily life, starting today!
Misconceptions (Yes, even therapists may start out with these misconceptions)
#1 - Boundaries equal conflict
This misconception generally surrounds the belief that when we set boundaries, we are going to create rifts in relationships and cause more harm than good. This is understandable, as many people are not used to others changing around them, especially if it’s sudden and seemingly “out of nowhere”. The reality is, that setting boundaries may cause some ruffled feathers initially, but in the long run, setting boundaries should reduce conflict between you and others.
#2 - Boundaries are negative
Many people think that setting boundaries is selfish, bad, self-serving, or all-around negative. Many of us were raised in an environment - whether that be at home, a community or our society- in which our personal needs may have been viewed as selfish or completely disregarded, resulting in the belief that boundaries are not acceptable. Fortunately, boundaries are inherently healthy! Setting boundaries is a way to protect yourself and to protect your peace. Boundaries allow us to move through the world with more confidence, self-respect, and self-love.
#3 - Boundaries are what I tell others to do/change about themselves
Often, we think that boundaries are orders or requests we give to others to follow dutifully…or else. Boundaries are more personal than we realize. We expect people to change their thought patterns, the way they behave or act, or who they are fundamentally. Unfortunately, we cannot force anyone to do anything (even though we might want to!). What we can do is control how we react to these situations- watching what we say or do in the moment when someone crosses us our boundaries. The hard part is keeping those boundaries in place, which we’ll discuss below.
How many boundaries are there?
You may be surprised to learn that there are so many different ways and types of boundaries we can set, that they have been divided into six main categories:
Source: https://ce21.blob.core.windows.net/images/5sd6nmmjkmb3351tjcsg.png
Okay, so now what? Making Boundaries Work for You
So now you know the general misconceptions we have about personal boundaries and that there are six main categories. So what do you do with this information?
Here comes the tough part - actually setting boundaries with yourself and others To get started, think about what has been irking you the most recently.
Is it your boss ridiculing you whenever you make a mistake? Your partner not turning the T.V. volume down when you go to bed earlier than them? Your dear friend who seems to call you and complain about each and every minor inconvenience that day? Whatever it is, when something irks you constantly, it’s a good indicator that setting a boundary may be needed.
A written script can be helpful to prepare for the sometimes-but-not-always tough conversations in which we set boundaries with another person. In Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, there is an acronym called DEAR MAN that can be used as a helpful guideline when trying to express your needs in a respectful manner.
First, Describe the situation in a factual, non-emotional manner (“When I forget something/make a mistake I’m often met with negative remarks or criticism [this can be from a boss, partner, parent]).
Then, Express your emotions with “I feel” statements (“I feel devalued and hurt when these kinds of statements are made.”)
Next, Assert your need(s) (“When I forget something/make a mistake, what I really need is understanding and support”)
Reinforce positive responses (Smiling, “Thank you for listening to/understanding my side of things…”
Stay Mindful. These tough conversations have a tendency to get off track quickly (the other person may bring up things you’ve done in the past!). Remain mindful of why you are having this conversation in the first place. Do not get side-tracked by interruptions.
Appear Confident by noticing your posture, eye contact, and other body language. Be mindful that you do not shrink the longer the conversation goes on.
Lastly, Negotiate if needed. Sometimes when we set boundaries (and depending on the specific boundary), they may not be entirely do-able for the other person, meaning that the other person may have a difficult time meeting your needs. In this case, we try to find a middle ground in which both parties are happy. (“If you don’t have something nice to say, I’d rather you didn’t say anything at all” (don’t call attention to the mistake/error/etc))
The above scenario is just one example of a boundary you can set. The biggest mistake we make when setting boundaries is setting it once, and never again. When we set boundaries, we need to be consistent in setting them. This can look a number of different ways.
Continuing with the example above, specifically with your boss, upholding the boundary may look like this:
You’ve spoken to your boss letting them know that they often speak to you harshly when a mistake is made. They agree that they’ve been hard on you, and say they’ll do better at changing the language they use and try and support you moving forward. However, the following week, you happen to forget about an important meeting that needed to be scheduled, and there’s your boss, angry and impatient standing at your desk, saying the same things as last week!
Set the boundary again. What will you do the next time this happens? Remember, we cannot control the other person, only ourselves. Will you walk away when your boss blows up? Will you report your boss to their superiors or HR each time an eruption happens? Whatever you decide to do, be consistent so the other person sees that you are serious about upholding your boundary of not being spoken to harshly.
Your turn!
Boundary-setting shouldn’t have to be something that we dread or put off. Boundaries can truly improve your relationships with others and yourself. I encourage you to give it a try! If you have a therapist, they can also be a great resource to help you when setting boundaries, especially if you are feeling stuck.
References & Further Reading
https://www.momentumpsychology.com/blog/how-to-set-boundaries-examples-and-scripts
https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/boundary-styles
https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/dbt-dear-man
https://urbanwellnesscounseling.com/6-types-of-boundaries/
Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A guide to Reclaiming Yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab
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